Thank You, Mr. Wildmon

Dear Mr. Wildmon,

Is the American Family Association really 30 years old? It's hard to believe that after all these years you are still as tough on the gays and the Christmas haters as you ever were. You're a good man, Mr. Wildmon.

So thank you for your hard work and for the good stewardship of my tax-deductable donations. Unfortunately, I am unable to make a year-end donation this year, as I have recently purchased a new Chevrolet truck (not a Ford, thank you very much). Please know that if I had any extra cash, I would give it to you.

I look forward to our continued correspondence in 2008.

Financially yours,

Happy Holidays

Dear Mr. Wildmon,

With the holiday season so hectic, I regret that I have not had the opportunity to respond to each of your letters. They are so great in number, and I am but one person. My resolution is to be more prompt in replying to you in the future.

Also, I would like to take the opportunity to wish you and your family the happiest of holiday seasons. I know you are a big fan of the holiday season, and I hope the holidays you share with your family are the most joyful holidays ever.

Joyfully yours,

ENDA, H.R. 3685

Dear Mr. Wildmon,

Could it be true that those dastardly queers are forcing their way into the mainstream job market? Are there really no more waiter, hair stylist, interior decorator, or choreographer jobs left in America? According to your letter from October 23, the gays are trying to expand their horizons and work outside of their four primary career fields.

What is this world coming to when the homos are able to get real jobs? Now they're going to be competing in an open market against us God-fearing heterosexuals. Surely Armageddon is near!

America needs you, Mr. Wildmon. She needs you to launch a more vigorous campaign against these perverts. Call the generals in your army of conservatards! I await the launching of your campaign.

Homophobically yours,

Philadelphia Boy Scouts

Dear Mr. Wildmon,

I was thrilled to see your letter dated October 20 regarding the city of Philadelphia punishing the Boy Scouts for hating the gays. Your letter mentioned that the rent on the property they lease to the Boy Scouts has been increased from $1 per year to $200,000 per year. I was outraged when I heard what was going on.

How dare the owner of a building increase rent on a tenant? What an awful thing for them to do. They have no right to do anything like that. If we let these crazy city officials get away with something so outrageous, we'll end up seeing other landlords raising rent on their tenants. God forbid we get to the day where a renter's rent increases from one year to the other.

Mr. Wildmon, it is time to take action. It is time to summons the troops on your mailing list and launch a boycott against the city of Philadelphia. We must stop this nonsense at once. We will not go see the Liberty Bell. We will not go see the Phillies. We will not go see the Eagles. We will not even drive through their crazy liberal town. Call the webmasters! We must launch this at once.

Boycottfully yours,

Congressman Pete Stark

Dear Mr. Wildmon,

Thank you for your letter dated October 19 alerting me to the remarks of California Congressman Pete Stark. While his words do anger me, I urge you to consider his point of view on the issue.

I know it is difficult, but imagine for a moment that you were a crotchety old man who was singled out and attacked by people because you had some radical extreme opinions on key political issues. How horrible would that be?

Congressman Stark deserves to be taken out and beat like the foolish old coot that he is. Sending letters and making phone calls will not have a strong enough impact on him to invoke change. What we need to do is send the masses of subscribers on your mailing list to California. There they can take residency and vote for patriotic Republicans like yourself instead of some old fart with crazy ideas nobody likes. Heaven knows we've got too many radical old people.


Youthfully yours,

Mailing List Problems

Dear Mr. Wildmon,

I thought it was odd that I had not heard from you in so long. You're not one to let the queers and liberals ruin America without saying something. I investigated and found something quite disturbing.

It seems that I was somehow deleted from your mailing list. I have checked my spam filters, and my junk mail folder, but I wasn't getting any of your email. You may want to have your IT staff look into this deletion.

Never fear, Mr. Wildmon. I have another account that is still subscribed to your lists. You will be pleased to know that I have received your letters regarding the Boy Scouts and about Pete Stark's comments.

I have not had opportunity to respond to these letters, but I will be responding as soon as I possibly can. (Please forgive the tardiness of my replies, as I have been protesting against the queers outside of my local Ford dealership.)

Best regards,

Rudy vs. Hillary

Dear Mr. Wildmon,

In response to your letter dated September 20, I have given the issue much thought and have decided that if Rudy Giuliani represents the Republican party in the next Presidential election, he will get my vote.

I am very much pro-life, and I hate gay people almost as much as you do; however, given the choice of Giuliani versus any of the Democratic candidates (especially Hillary Clinton), the choice is obvious.

Sometimes, Mr. Wildmon, you just have to choose the lesser of the two evils. I hate to even say that because Giuliani and Clinton are two completely different types of evil. Giuliani is evil for his love of the gays and his willingness to kill those poor babies. Hillary is the Antichrist. But, in their own way, they're both evil.

So if you have to choose, I beseech you, choose the lesser evil.